Alex Rider: A mockery
by beccaleelee
Summary: Extreme!parody. Basically mocking all the small-minded people who plagiarize other people's hard work. "The man stared directly at Alex and said, 'I have come for my revenge, Alex Rider.' 'Oh my God' yelled Alex. 'It’s…er…that guy…'"
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**AN: This is a parody of every AR cliché I could think of. I fudged the times, but so do the authors who I'm teasing with this. I did my very best to imitate the voice that authors write with when using these cliché. If your story fits one of these clichés, well… **

Alex Rider was sitting in his classroom well before the bell rang. "Hey Druggie!" shouted the school bully as he walked in. "Hey druggie," chorused a group of girls as they arrived. "Hey druggie," muttered the teacher as she took her place at the front of the room. "Hey Alex, what's up?" asked Tom as he sat down next to Alex.

As Alex and Tom talked, one of the nearby girls stared at Alex as she muttered, "He's so hot, but he's a druggie. But he is so _hot_, but he is a bad boy." Then she stood up and shouted, "I'm so conflicted!" and ran out the door, stopping only long enough to turn back and yell "I love you druggie!" before continuing down the hallway.

No one paid her outburst any attention, turning instead to watch the teacher as she got ready for the start of the lesson. Before she could even open her mouth however, the intercom went off and the principal's voice announced, "All students and faculty to the auditorium, please. We don't really need you all there, but we've decided to call you down anyway."

When Alex got to the auditorium, he sat down and waited for Tom to arrive. Alex stared up at the stage and felt his breath catch in his chest. Alan Blunt and Tulip Jones stood on the stage before him. "They can't want me to go on a mission," Alex thought angrily, not having the sense to realize that they wouldn't ask him on a mission in front of the whole school, as that would ruin the whole "secret" agent concept.

"Hey Alex, what's up?" asked Tom as he sat down next to Alex.

"Hello everyone," said Mrs. Jones. "Now, this gentleman and I may look, sound, and act exactly like the heads of MI6, but we are no them. We promise." At that there were sounds of acceptance from all those seated in the auditorium—if she _promised_, it must be true. "We are here to tell fifteen of you that you are going to an SAS training camp for two weeks," she continued.

"Would the six bullies, six popular girls, Tom Harris, that nerdy kid over there, and Alex Rider come up to the stage." Blunt said loudly. "Alex Rider, of course, is not coming for any particular reason. He's not a spy, just some kid. Really, we're taking some kid who is supposedly incredibly ill at all times for no special reason." He forced a sickly smile onto his face, looking incredibly uncomfortable doing so.

Alex rolled his eyes at that and somehow managed to reach the stage well before anyone else, despite being the last one to be called last. "Hey Alex, what's up?" asked Tom as he arrived at the stage and stood next to Alex.

"Okay, the rest of can leave now," said the principal. "Apparently we only called you down here to rub it in your faces that you're not as special as these kids up here." Everyone in the audience stood up and shuffled out of the room, hanging their heads in shame at their own inferiority.

"Alright," said Mrs. Jones. "Go home and pack your bags. We're leaving in an hour for the camp. If you parents are at work or out of the house, write them a note telling them where you're going."

As they all left the auditorium, Jessica—a popular girl—cried, "How am I supposed to pack all my clothes in less than an hour?" All the other girls nodded in sympathy, wiping empathetic tears from their eyes.

When they separated to go to their respective houses, all the other kids yelled, "See you later druggie!" Well, all except for Tom and the nerdy kid: Tom just waved and the nerdy kid shuffled away saying something inconsequential that might have been "Bye guys," but could just have easily been "That last whirly sucked."

Then, time suddenly skipped forward so that no one would have to deal with Jack's overly dramatic sobs and the dullness of packing bags, which would have been fine if there had been any sign that that was happening. As it was, Alex suddenly appeared near the bus. "Thanks God for magical time skips that have no real purpose except for avoiding awkward situations," he muttered as he climbed onto the bus.

"Hey druggie," said the bus driver. "Hey druggie," said everyone else on the bus. "Hey Alex, what's up?" asked Tom as Alex sat down next to him.

The bus ride lasted an eternity, and was filled with shouts of "Ew, look at the seats!" and "I gotta pee!" and "Hey Alex, what's up?" Finally Alex squeezed his eyes shut and tried to trigger another magical time skip. Catching a glimpse of Alex's face in the mirror, the driver cursed and pulled over at the first rest-stop, shouting "I've got a kid with diarrhea up here!" But before Alex could be pulled out of the bus and pushed into a bathroom, he managed to start another time skip.

******

K-unit stood in front of the kids, looking around with confusion written across their faces. "Uh… how did we get here?" asked Fox slowly. "We left this camp ages ago." The Snake and Wolf both shrugged, and Eagle began sprinting in circles around them at top speed, screaming at random intervals. "Did he forget to take his medicine again?" Fox asked to another series of shrugs.

"K-unit!" barked the sergeant. "What the hell are you doing here?" There were more shrugs. "Huh…well in that case, you're in charge of those kids," he said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder.

"What!" shouted Wolf. "Why do we have to babysit them? We shouldn't even be here."

"Because I'm a satanic bastard and I hate you all," the other man answered smugly, before walking hurriedly away, purposefully not looking back. He got away just in time—he could honestly say that he hadn't seen Wolf punch one of the kids in the face for no apparent reason, and could therefore keep believing that nobody had let a man with anger-control issues into the SAS.

"Alright, kiddies!" Wolf bellowed, ignoring the boy now curled up in a bloody ball on the ground. "Now for the next two weeks, we are going to make you absolutely miserable, because even though this is quite possibly illegal, there is no one around to hear your screams. Now run the twenty miles to your barracks, because apparently the bus broke down before you could actually get into the camp." There was a moment of stunned silence, so Wolf filled it cheerfully. "Do it now or we will break more laws and not feed you for the entire duration of you stay here!" At that, everyone but Alex leapt into action.

"Hey look!" shouted Eagle. "It's Cub! Hey, Cub! Cub! Cub!"

"Eagle, shut up!" snapped Fox. "We don't like him, remember?"

"Look," began Alex. "I just needed to make sure you wouldn't give away my secret identity." He said dramatically. "If they found out about me…" he let his voice trail off, staring into the middle-distance.

"Yeah… Now run!" shouted Wolf. "We can't bond yet: that has to happen after we torture you, and then it can only happen without any warning."

"No, no, no. I think we should bond now!" cried Eagle. "I wanna bond with cub!"

Alex rolled his eyes and decided that he would rather be with his classmates then be with Eagle without his medicine. "I have to blend in," he thought as he easily passed his struggling classmates. "I can't be too much better than everyone else." He kept running and left everyone else puking behind him, despite having started long after the others.

Long after Alex had claimed his bunk, Tom arrived and said, "Hey Alex, what's up?" as he sat on the bed next to Alex.

Meanwhile, K-unit was camped out on the ground, as all the bunks were full since K-unit wasn't supposed to be there anymore. "But why are they here?" Snake asked. "I mean, we barely let one kid come, and he had an actual reason. Why would we let fifteen kids come?"

"I don't know, but at least they didn't send a whole school," Fox answered. "That would have been hundreds of kids, which would be basically impossible in a military training facility."

K-unit was so annoyed that they had to babysit the kiddies (and too lazy to think of ways to torture them) that they accidently triggered a time skip that carried them to the last day of the session. In fact, it carried them all the way to the final sparring class.

Alex was sparring with the nerdy kid. Now, Alex was a black belt and could have easily defeated his opponent but instead he decided that it would be nice to let the other guy land a kick. Through a series of cataclysmic events that were ,of course, purely coincidental, the nerdy kid landed a kick right on Alex's eight-month-old bullet wound, even though he was no where near skilled enough to kick that high and had no fighting experience in the slightest.

Although the kick had very little power behind it, Alex cried out in pain and dropped to the ground. Snake, the overprotective medic, rushed over immediately and pulled off Alex's shirt having seen where he was kicked. The nerdy kid looked on very impressed with his own strength and talent at sparring, while Eagle shouted something about Snake trying to get into Cub's pants.

As soon as the wound was revealed, Snake let out a very manly gasp because despite having been a hardened soldier who had seen much worse injuries, this one was scaring and gross. Despite its age, it was a very dark color, nearly black, and was bleeding slightly. In fact, it looked like the injury had happened only a few months ago, rather then almost a year. After poking the wound very unprofessionally for a few minutes, Snake shrugged and said "It's just a flesh wound. He'll be fine eventually." And with that, everyone walked away.

A few minutes later after Alex still hadn't woken up, there was another magical time skip.

"Jack?" Alex shouted into the house. "I'm home!" There was no response so Alex shrugged and wandered into the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway, eyes widening and tears forming because clearly he cries whenever something bad happens. Jack was lying in the kitchen, blood surrounding her.

After another time skip, Alex was sitting in Mr. Blunt's office at the Royal and General. "Well Alex," began Mr. Jones. "We're very sorry for your loss of Jake Starburst." He paused solemnly before continuing. "Now that that's out of the way, we called you down here not to pretend to be apologetic, but to tell you that you are going to be living with K-unit. Now, we know we don't have any real control over them, but for some reason we have decided that we are going to put you with four men who hate you. Well, that's all. You can leave now." Mrs. Jones waved goodbye, her mouth stuffed with about thirty peppermints, as Alex stood up and left.

********

"What the hell!" shouted Wolf. "This whole 'appear magically in a place where we shouldn't be' thing is getting so old!" The other men all nodded in agreement. "And why is all your crap in here you guys? You do not live here!"

"Um… I think we do now," Snake answered with a shrug.

"We're all going to be roomies!" bellowed Eagle. "This is great! It'll be like college, only with more women!" His fantasies were interrupted by a knock on the door. Alex had arrived.

When Alex was let into the flat, he looked around in surprise. Wolf's flat, supposedly meant for just one person, had five bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, a kitchen, a back door onto a deck with a hot tub, four bathrooms, a study, a library, and something similar to a speakeasy. And somehow, he could afford to have all these rooms fully equipped. There were even clothes for Alex in one of the closets.

There was a moment of tension while the four men looked at Alex and Alex looked at them, but then Wolf shrugged and said, "Oh, come here, kid." And Eagle yelled, "Group hug!" As they all piled in, suddenly best friends forever, Eagle said, "And _now_ it's bonding time."

After that, it came out that K-unit never had to go to work again, because suddenly everyone in the world realized that war is an incredibly stupid pastime, so the militaries of every country were dismantled. And because of that, the four of them became father figures to Alex. Eagle showing him how to remember to take medicine for attention disorders, Fox showing him how to lie better, Wolf by becoming a violently overprotective man who was always armed, and Snake by becoming the useless voice of reason.

After one last time skip, Alex had a wonderful girlfriend named Mary-Sue Ravensbear. She was the most beautiful, funny, smart, and talented girl in the whole school, if not the whole world. And despite her troubled past, she was open to love and love her Alex did. In fact, everyone loved her, the men formerly known as K-unit included.

So when she and Alex got engaged at the age of seventeen, the men swept the two of them into a bear hug. It was during this enormous group hug that Tom walked in. He wedged himself into the hug next to his friend and said, "Hey Alex, what's up?"

**So I've been getting annoyed with all those knock-offs of the other knock-offs of the original stories. I made a community to protest it, and now I wrote a parody to insult it. **

**Review if you loved it, hated it, didn't get it, or if you feel I insulted you.**


	2. Chapter 2: Shooting Range

**Okay, so I got a lot of reviews telling me to continue, and I got one review that pointed out that I missed this cliché! I read it, went back to my story and was stunned to see that not only had I missed this one, but I missed several others as well! So I'm here to fix that. **

**I'm not anywhere in the story, so all A/N not written like this aren't mine… And the story starts IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS LINE!**

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A/N: Hi all! Thanks so much for the reviews! I'm going to name you all so that everyone else can see how many I got and will think I'm cool! So, thanks to: dudeyousuck: Aw, you're so sweet. And to: you'reanidiot: Oh, I'm so glad you think so. And to: Iwishbeccaleeleewouldneverwriteagain: Thanks for loving me so much. And to: OMGweallhateyou: Aw, you're so sweet. And to my favorite fan in the whole world: I'mgoingtofindyouandkillyoubecauseyouthinkweactuallylikereadingthecr*pthatyouwrite: Oh! I love you too!

And now, I give you the totally original Missing Scene 01. I swear nobody has ever done this before!

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"Alright, Cub!" barked Wolf, using insensitivity to cover up the deep affection he had to the boy who he was famous for torturing. "Let's see what you can do." And even though he had no idea if the boy had ever shot before, not to mention the fact that nobody had ever said that he was allowed to shoot this time around, he placed a gun in Alex's hand.

Alex's fingers tightened around the weapon as he brought it up to aim. He just _couldn't_ show the men what he was truly capable of: it was absolutely vital that he not let them see the extent of his training. He aimed and emptied the gun so quickly that he actually broke the record for how fast someone could shoot, and all without turning off the safety or feeling the recoil despite the apparently still gaping hole in his chest!

K-Unit stared at the target on the far side of the room, jaws slacked (A/N: Hi all! i just decided 2 interupt this _completely_ original story 2 say that i no nothing about guns, so intead of doin' research, i just made stuff up! O, and i gave K-Unit bionic vision so they could c da target w/out recalling it cause i don't know what that is. isn't it grate how using ( )s makes this hole pointless blurb fit right into the story w/out interrupting anything? OMG!) and Wolf said in that creepy fan-girl voice that he obviously has, "OMG! Do it again!"

Still trying to keep a low profile, Alex produced a blindfold out of thin air, causing Eagle to shout "Ooh! A magician!" Alex expertly tied that blindfold over his eyes and spun around to face the targets. He emptied the clip thingy again (which he had magically replaced while you were all distracted with the author's note). Every bullet found its way through the center of the target yet again.

There was a stunned silence for an instant, then Tom wandered onto the range. "Hey Alex, what's up?" he called before walking out and returning to—well actually we don't care where he went because He's. Not. Alex! Then K-Unit responded.

"OMG!" squealed Eagle, hopping around the room hugging random inanimate objects.

"What the…" muttered Snake, whose only purpose in life was to find out about Alex's injury.

"Ata boy, Alex. You know, I've always liked you." Fox beamed.

Everyone turned and looked expectantly at Wolf who was still staring between Alex and the target in a state of shock. He dropped to one knee, "Cub," he began slowly, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box. "I love you. Will you mar—" (A/N: Oh my god! Wolf's going to propose! I wrote it, yet I'm still ridiculously shocked. Wait! Wolf can't marry Alex! He's not an exaggerated representation of me! What can I do instead? Oh I know, I'll do a time skip!)

And after a hard life, Alex Rider's coffin slipped below the ground.

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A/N: So even though this sucked, I still expect 50 billion reviews before I post the next chapter that ell me how great I am. And if I get any honest ones, I'll delete them and complain about them at the start of my next chapter!

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**So this is me (for real this time). That's it for now. I might post another missing cliché next weekend, but I don't know if I'll have time to write one out. I'll try though. Thanks for reading!**

**Hearts, Becca**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any songs, Alex Rider, Star Wars, John Lennon, or anything/anyone else. My friend Jim and I aren't really dating, but he loves me anyway and let me put him in the story. The review I mention is real, but I guess I don't own that either.**_

_**A/N: So, I basically suck. I told everyone who asked me that I would have the next chapter up by the end of the week…in August. Yeah. Then I started both of my schools, and my COLLEGE GRADUATE LEVEL junior research project (which is still killing me), and then I realized the other day that it's been several months and I haven't insulted the clichés!**_

_**I do have one request. Would whoever wrote the "youshouldn'tevenbeonthissite" review (or whatever it was called) please log in and leave another review? I can't talk to you if you don't, so do that, okay?**_

_**Before I begin, I would like to point out again that the story starts **__**immediately**__** after the following line. That includes the author's note (which was really fun to write) for those of you who were confused last time. Oh, and any logic errors are intentional!**_

_***************_

A/N: Hi! So I just want to say that I got a review saying "good job." Isn't that great? I mean, most people would just be like "hey thanks," but I've decided to waste your time talking about it with way more detail then you all care about. But to that one person, why was it only a "good" job? I mean, I deserve way more than a "good job!" I deserve a prize! EVERYONE GIVE ME A PRIZE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uggh! Why won't the Newbery Award people give me an award for my wonderful plagiarism? It's the best kind of plagiarism there is!!! The_ blatant_ kind!

And now I must bore you with the private details of my life. My boyfriend Jim was recently arrested for drug trafficking, and I had to sell all my belongings to get him out of jail! That's why I couldn't write—I had to give away my computer, and I caught the plague, and then I died but I came back to life because Jim kissed me, and we love each other so much that we're getting married even though we're only 16, and my sister is planning to take over the world by protesting nuclear facilities by day, and using them to blow up the sun by night! (AKA, I was busy with school work. But what's the fun in telling you that?)

And now for the most original Missing Scene yet! Know why it's original? Cuz it's not happening at the school auditorium! I am a plagiarizing genius!

***********

It was a dark and stormy night that day, and as the sun shone brightly through the windows of the mess hall building at the SAS camp. Everyone at the camp, including the teenagers, was gathered in the dark room, having been summoned there for a meeting. Alex sat separately from the other students, clearly more comfortable around the intimidating soldiers, still desperately trying to blend in with the other students.

The door's suddenly burst in, and a man stormed in, his Darth Vader cape swirling around him in an angry flurry. As the door banged shut behind him, everyone stared at him in silence. The man stared directly at Alex and said, "I have come for my revenge, Alex Rider."

"Oh my God!" yelled Alex. "It's…er…that guy…"

"I am Julia Rothman's nephew's niece's aunt's second cousin's uncle's granddaughter's estranged husband's illegitimate son's step-mother's former boyfriend's son!" he yelled. "You killed my father's former girlfriend's step-son's birth-father's estranged wife's grandfather's nephew's second cousin's niece's aunt!"

"Oh no!" cried Alex. "I always knew that a villain I've never heard of who's tenuously related to Julia Rothman would come for me!" And instead of getting ready to fight, he plopped down onto a seat and buried his head in his arms.

The guy with the cape stalked to the front of the room, for some reason completely unchallenged by the hundred or so heavily armed, trained-to-kill men. He grabbed a microphone that was at the front of the room, and began to sing.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I looooovvvveee you. Please don't take my sunshine away._

Because we all know that the characters in this book randomly break into song to express themselves.

"Dude," said one of the cool guys. "Worst. Concert. Ever." The other teenagers all grumbled their agreement, but Eagle stood up and screamed "Oh my God it's John Lennon! He's returned!"

"I'm not John Lennon!" screamed the man! "I'm Julia Rothman's—you know what, forget it! I'm Paul! Tremble in my presence mortals! I will conquer you all, and enslave this camp for all eternity!" He wiped the foam off his lips and (A/N: OMG. He's totally crazy, huh. I am SUCH an awesome writer!) called to Alex "Come up here, boy. I have something to say."

Stoically, Alex stood and walked slowly and dramatically to the front of the room. _No matter what he says, no matter what he does, I will _not_ reveal my identity! _he thought.

"Alex, tell these people who you really are!" commanded Paul.

"Okay," said Alex agreeably. "Well, I'm really a spy…" and with that he delivered the Spark Notes version of his life. The key phrases are as follows: "Born in…orphaned…plane crash…uncle…Jack…Yassen…dead…shot…roof…elephant…Tom…stealth…must not reveal identity…Julia Rothman…squirrel…" When he finally finished, he looked expectantly up at Paul. "So," he said casually. "What happens now?"

"Huh?" asked Paul.

"Well," explained Alex helpfully. "You came, you revealed my identity… What happens now?"

"Er… I don't know. Usually I get stopped right about now… I only planned this far."

"Oh, okay."

So Paul and Alex stood looking expectantly at the doors and windows, waiting for MI6 or the CIA to come busting in. After a long, awkward silence Alex looked over at Paul and said, "So. How 'bout them ninjas?"

But before Paul could answer and begin an invigorating debate about the Shuriken versus the Sai, he suddenly disappeared. _Huh._ Thought Alex. _I guess he out lived his purpose for the plot-line. Oh well_.

"So," he said as he turned to face his classmates. "I bet you're all wondering about my secret life as a spy."

"What did you say?" asked one of the girls. "We weren't listening to a word you said, Druggie." All of the teenagers nodded in agreement, rolling their eyes at him and going back to talking about the nasty food, and the scary men, and the dirt that was _everywhere_ and who did Mother Nature think she was anyway? Why did she put so much _dirt_ everywhere?

_Yes!_ Though Alex. _I didn't let them discover my secret life!_ "You will never hear me say that I am a spy!" he screamed into the crowd of onlookers before sprinting dramatically out the door.

"What did he say?" asked one of the girls.

********

A/N: Golly gee wiz! I am _soooooo_ great! You should all leave me reviews celebrating my awesomeness! BUILD ME A SHRINE NOW!!!!!!! I want a shrine!

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_**Real A/N: Wow, my clichéd fanfiction author persona gets on my nerves! But it's so fun to vent without venting! Yay! Now I must return to slogging through professional papers on black holes for my Project of Death! Hahahaha!**_

_**Hearts, Becca**_


	4. Chapter 4: Ian

**Disclaimer: I own nothing AT ALL. Not Alex Rider. Not Harry Potter. Nothing.**

_Real A/N: So someone pointed out to me that "golly gee wiz" is a very "British" thing to say. It wasn't meant to be! I was really making fun of a friend of mine who writes these clichés and says that expression every five minutes (we're both Americans). So no offense British people (unless you write these parodies: then offense is intended!)._

_I got a very nice email from one of you that really cheered me up and gave some good advice for dealing with some stuff, but it was anonymous! PLEASE tell me who you are so I can thank you for that. I'm working through my issues, so I now welcome flames again (they don't bother me anymore thanks to my doctor), so BRING IT ON! Just kidding—I don't want to fight any one, but, really, please do flame me._

_I've got a poll about this story up on my bio, so go vote please so that I'll know what to write next._

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A/N: OMG!!!!!! Jim asked me out today! We're going on a date next week, and we're gonna have a great time and we'll become the class couple and we'll go to college together and be the college couple and then we'll grow up and move in with eachother and then we'll get married in a cute little chapel and everyone will come in nice clothes and we'll have a BEAUTIFUL cake and it'll be adorable and then we'll have 2.5 kids and we'll live on a farm in a forest near a lake and it'll be absolutely wonderful and he'll always be there for me and when we die we'll be together FOREVER and he will NEVER leave me! HAHAHA sorry, I'm just really excited about that. I know you guys don't really care, so I would go back and delete it except that I really want the whole world to be jealous that I have such a wonderful boyfriend and they don't. And then when they…**(twelve pages later)**…Wow that was a really great author's note don't you think? Any way, here's the story (another beccaleelee original!)!

Oh! This is totally out of order with the other stuff, but it's so great that I had to put it in! So it's after the camp and before Jack dies, kk?

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Alex walked slowly into his house. Something felt wrong…his ninja skills told him that someone was in the house besides Jack. He crept silently forward, knowing the importance of stealth in a time like this, and slammed the front door shut behind him. He entered the kitchen and spotted a man standing by the sink.

Alex's eyes widened and he sprinted forwards to attack the man because Alex has a bad habit of randomly attacking any and all strangers (come to think of it he still needed to apologize to that one guy at the park…and the train…and the bus…and on the street…and, well…moving on). He slammed into the guy's back and yelled "Stranger danger! Stranger danger!"

The man turned around as Alex punched him futilely and beamed at the boy. "Alex," he cried. "It's good to see you!" He sounded genuinely happy despite the boy punching him in the face.

And then Alex froze in shock, his fists falling to his sides. "Ian?" he whispered.

I totally should'uv left u guys hanging there, cuz it would have gotten me lots of reviews and then I would be famous!

Ian smiled. "It's me alright."

"But, but how are you alive?"

"Well," Ian began gently as he pulled the boy into his arms. "It all began when my mother and my father decidedly they loved each other _very_ much. So one day, they decided to call the stork. Are you with me Alex?" the boy nodded. He knew all about the stork. "I was dropped on their doorstep and we lived happily ever after, along with my brother. Until our parents died. Then he died. Then I got stuck with this little brat, who I hated for a long time. Then I realized I loved him. Then I was on a mission. Some Russian guy shot me in the head."

Alex gasped. "But how did you survive?"

"Oh I didn't," Ian answered in a tone that said _duh, moron_. "In fact, I've been dead this whole time."

He smiled fondly at his nephew before continuing. "I was floating around dead for a while, but then I sensed that you were lonely, so I pulled a Harry Potter and came back to life to save the day! Dumbledore had to help me out, but here I am."

Alex looked up at him in awe. "You're magic? Harry Potter is real?"

"What? No, of course not. What are you talking about Alex?"

"You said Dumbledore had to help you…" Alex trailed off, looking confused.

"No, no," Ian answered shaking his head. "I said that Yassen missed me by a mile, but I decided to play dead."

"Why?" asked Alex, his eyes welling up with tears as he remembered the pain of his uncle's death. "Why would you pretend to die?"

Ian thought for a second before answering. "You know…I'm not really sure. It wasn't to complete my mission, obviously, because you got involved. Maybe it was to…no, that doesn't make sense. Hmm…no, no. I didn't get revenge on Yassen or destroy any corny terrorist groups." He frowned hard, then shrugged. "Oh well. Let's go with the Harry Potter thing. That makes sense."

Alex cheerfully agreed, and for the next fifteen minutes. Then they decided to go for a walk, and a sniper killed Ian (for real this time). Alex cried hysterically for about ten seconds, then shrugged and walked away, leaving Ian's body in the road.

Time skip.

"Jack?" Alex shouted into the house. "I'm home!" There was no response so Alex shrugged and wandered into the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway, eyes widening and tears forming because clearly he cries whenever something bad happens. Jack was lying in the kitchen, blood surrounding her.

After another time skip, Alex was sitting in Mr. Blunt's office at the Royal and General. "Well Alex," began Mr. Jones. "We're very sorry for your loss of Jake Starburst." He paused solemnly before continuing. "Now that that's out of the way, we called you down here not to pretend to be apologetic, but to tell you that you are going to be living with K-unit. Now, we know we don't have any real control over them, but for some reason we have decided that we are going to put you with four men who hate you. Well, that's all. You can leave now." Mrs. Jones waved goodbye, her mouth stuffed with about thirty peppermints, as Alex stood up and left.

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A/N: And now we're back on track! Alex is now back to moving in with K-Unit as previously mentioned. Yay! All it took was killing two people abruptly and repeating myself like a moron like a moron like a moron.

Tell me how great I am now, okay? No more of this "good" nonsense.

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**A/N: I feel bad. I like Ian, but it was necessary for him to die…again. This feels really short to me, what do you guys think?**

**Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and/or learned something from it!**

**Hearts, Becca**


	5. Chapter 5: MarySue

**A/N: Hi everyone! I'm back (obviously)! Thanks so much for all the prayers and happy vibes! But now let's just accept that I'm an idiot and forget about that long pause between chapters!**

**Here we go: Mary-Sue time. Did you know that it's actually very hard to write a Mary-Sue character? I kept giving her flaws, and then having to smack myself and fix her. **

**Disclaimer about the non-Mary-Sue descriptions: If you're a teacher I don't think you're ugly. If you're overweight I would never call you fat. If you have any of the names in here (besides Alex and Tom), I'm not insulting your name. If you aren't perfect you're a human (good job!).**

**I need to get caught up on my PM/review replies, so if I haven't answered you, I'll try to soon.**

**As a refresher, the story starts **_**immediately**_** after these stars.**

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_A/N: OMG I'm back aren't you happy?! I am!!!!!!!! This is my faverit chapter b/c of my OC. But don't wory. Sh'es totally realistic and stuff!!!_

"Alright class, pay attention!" barked the stupid, ugly teacher at the front of the class. "This marvelous young lady is Mary-Sue Bethany Jessica Charlie Elizabeth Stacy Gregorovich-Ravensbear."

Alex's eyes bulged as he stared at the girl. Her hair was like a golden halo around her face, her puruple eyes glowing as if she lived inside a nuclear reactor. She was tall and graceful, slim enough to make a model cry with fat-girl shame. Yet despite this incredible beauty, there was an air of a tragic past hanging around her head, her gorgeous eyes held barely veiled sadness.

But then the words of the teacher filtered from stupid Alex's ears to his brain (A/N: Of course he's stupid. He's not like Mary-Sue! What a loser!) and he leapt to his feet, shouting "Don't tell them who your dad is! If they find out that he is a dead assassin and my mortal enemy they will hate you!" He collapsed back into his chair, exhausted by the OOC (A/N: I can make him out of character if I want to! This is a fanfiction site, and I'm a _fan_ and this is _fiction, _so back off!!!) moment.

"Oh Alex," she said with infinite charity. "I would never tell anyone that you are an MI6 spy and that I've been sent here to kill you but will instead fall in love with you for some unexplained reason."

The rest of the class suddenly stopped being magically deaf, and the teacher said, "Well Mary-Sue Bethany Jessica Charlie Elizabeth Stacy Gregorovich-Ravensbear, why don't you tell us about yourself."

She nodded majestically and began. "I am perfect. In fact you could even say that I am the wish fulfillment of some girl who has a crush on a fictional character and so puts herself into the story in a pathetic pursuit of some twisted relationship. But, of course, such a girl would deny it in an attempt to look like she knows how to write.

"I, of course, have a tragic past that I am strong enough to overcome: my mother was killed when I was three, my father this past year. I have no friends because my glow of perfection is blinding and my wonderfulness overpowering. I had a dog, but he ran away when I was seven: I suppose he felt insignificant compared to me. He would be right in that assumption.

"I am in every way superior to Alex: he is proficient in a handful of languages, but I am fluent in every language on the planet, as well as in Klingon. He can used a gun and do karate, but I know how to do every type of martial arts in existence (A/N: Oooh! I wish I could do martial arts!) and use every weapon including ones that are no longer used like the bastilla.

"When I am around, Alex is reduced to a blubbering idiot who has never accomplished anything and lives in a bubble of sheltered babyness. But because I am so benevolent I comfort him when he is frightened and protect him from the angry five-year-olds who have chased him into a corner. Or at least I will once I fall in love with him and stop trying to kill him."

She smiled radiantly at the class as she finished, and everyone leapt to their feet in applause.

"That was brilliant!" shouted one girl.

"You should be in politics!" shouted a boy. "Your speeches would be perfect!"

"I already am," Mary-Sue Bethany Jessica Charlie Elizabeth Stacy Gregorovich-Ravensbear answered. "My platform is 'I'm perfect! Vote for me!'" There was more applause and Alex found himself wiping a tear from his eye.

"Oh!" cried Mary-Sue Bethany Jessica Charlie Elizabeth Stacy Gregorovich-Ravensbear. "Speaking of me, I have to kill Alex now!" Alex led the applause as she pulled a P-90 out of her pocket (A/N: I know those are big guns, but her pockets are really really big, so no one would have noticed it earlier! Shut up losers!) and aimed it at Alex.

She started to pull the trigger, but then she stopped. "I can't do it!" She cried tragically, her freakish—I mean wonderfully beautiful—purple eyes flooded with tears. "I love you Alex Rider AKA Drug Boy! I barely know you, but I'm Mary-Sue so we fall in love quickly and stupidly!"

Alex ran to her and pulled her into an embrace, shouting in her ear, "I love you too Mary-Sue Bethany Jessica Charlie Elizabeth Stacy Gregorovich-Ravensbear! Let's run away together!"

The two fourteen-year-old lovers (A/N: That's just a word for bf and gf, right?) ran out the door hand in hand. Tom burst into tears and raced after them shouting "Hey Alex. What's up?" repeatedly in an attempt to regain his title as best non-Alex-Kunit-Jack-MI6-Scorpia-important character.

_A/N: Wasn't that wonderful? Tell me about my wonderfulness now! I COMMAND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

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**A/N: Well, it's been a long wait but I gave you 825 words (not counting the real author's notes). Do you all forgive me?**


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